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Kind words are like
honey, sweet to the soul and healing for the body. Proverbs 16: 24 (NLT)
WORDS OF
HEEL, WORDS OF WOE
A complaint often heard from clients in my office, results from the
painful verbal injuries inflicted upon each other by spouses, parents and
teens, or from childhood memories, still impacting their daily living.
These hurts show the imperative need and significance of affirming
words for the development of healthy personalities and relationships.
People of all ages appreciate being valued. It is so for the elderly,
mature adults and children.
This is particularly true for teens, whose preference for affirming words
exceed most other ways of being shown love, such as affection, quality time,
or acts of service. Recent
workplace studies reveal recognition and the encouraging words as incentive
preferred by workers even over financial ones.
It is necessary to address and debunk the underlying negative
premises that have so long prevented parents and other significant adults
from verbally expressing encouragement to each other and, particularly, to
their adolescents. “He’ll get a big
head.” Or “she knows I love her.”
Many of those children put down by well meaning parents grow up
perpetuating the same destructive communication patterns, becoming sarcastic
spouses, parents, friends, or sophisticated verbal bullies in the workplace.
But change is possible!
It is so rewarding to witness significant cognitive restructuring in action
when individual’s hearts are transformed, their minds are renewed, and their
hurting words are turned into healing words--just like
St. Paul
prescribed thousands of years ago! (Romans
12: 2) Referring willing
individuals for prayer ministry is vital in promoting sustaining
transformation.
Teaching communication tools (Gottman’s “Bids
for Connection” and Smalley’s “Fear
Dance”) also plays a significant role illustrating practical ways for
change. Gottman’s team of
researchers observed the positive lasting impact of “being
nice” to, or “turning toward”
those seeking to connect with us.
They also observed the damaging effect on relationships when those
attempts to engage us were ignored or
“turned against” with put down-type, sarcastic, or caustic responses.
Many people are seldom aware of these negative behaviors, or plainly
do not know how else to speak.
This became clear to me in a case with a very angry 12-year old.
Upon sharing the “being nice”
turning-toward type of responses, she caustically exclaimed:
“nobody talks like that!” and
“what’s wrong with sarcasm?”
In another case, a baffled mature professional Latino man reported
that when spoken to in a “nice way,” he had often interpreted such remarks
as mockery. Understandably so for an
individual growing up being told to defend himself!
The journey from gaining
awareness about sarcastic responses as a form of verbal aggression, to more
positive communication incorporating kind words of encouragement such as
praise and apology can be a glorious journey. The results will soon be
perceived in increased self worth, improved relationships, and renewed
energy for work and life. Change is
not only possible, but it truly pays off!
Chapman, G.
The Five Love Languages. Chicago, IL: Northfield Publishing.
2004. “fivelovelanguages.com”
Gottman, J.,
The Relationship Cure, Press, Three
River
Press, 2001
Trent, J.
The Blessing.
Nashville, TN: Nelson Books. 2004 (Based on Trent &
Smalley’s,1993 edition)
WWW.ECC1021.COM –
ginetteo@1021.com
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