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TO CHANGE OR NOT TO CHANGE, THAT IS THE TREMENDOUS DECISION
“I AM
AS I AM, and if you don’t accept as I am, then we’ve better split!”
Sadly, these words are heard by many spouses as the justification to end
their marital relationship. Lately, similar words are spoken by some young
adults still living at home when parents are trying to reestablish
boundaries!
Many of these, have been long term
relationships, which in spite of having birthed wonderful children and even
grandchildren, have allowed the accumulation of large amount of hostility,
resentment, and disappointments.
The resulting cost is very high, not only for the members of the nuclear and
extended families involved, but ultimately has grave socio-economic
consequences for their surrounding communities.
I am the frequent witness of great sadness
and tears in response to the too frequently heard sentence… “you either
accept me as I am, or….” The intent of such words seems to imply… “I
expect you to accept my harsh, inconsiderate, unjust ways of behaving”,
even cruel at times, centered on the “me” rather than the “us”; it also
seems to imply an overt rejection of any suggested changes.
It is true that, at times, the invitation to change comes as
unrealistic and intransigent. This can be improved with better empathy,
communication and negotiation skills. This is particularly so, when the
couple and the family become the focus of attention.
The initial pronouncement…”I
am as I am” often originates from fears…
changes can be scary. They trigger doubts, insecurities; they also
may trigger unresolved grief issues, under-the-rug swept conflicts, which
silently and unconsciously, continue to impact both the persons and their
relationships.
Changes seldom are unilateral, rather they
tend to be birectional, hence, the saying…”it takes two to tango!”
Changing implies intentionality, negotiation, humbleness and a large
dosage of humor. In exchange for demanding strength, determination, energy
and positive thinking, purposeful changes will bring joy, hope and new life
to long withered relationships.
One of my favorite mottos in counseling is
the application of St Paul’s calling to the Romans… do not conform
yourselves to be doing what you have always been doing, seeing around
you—ways of thinking, of treating each other, of behaving—but rather be
transformed through the renewal—continued and intentional—of your minds.
[My own paraphrase of 12:2]
Such verse could be interpreted as calling us to seek changes in our
understanding, asking us to open ourselves to learning new and more
effective patterns of communicating and of resolving conflicts; better ways
of supporting and encouraging each other, appropriately expressing how we
feel, even sharing the negative emotions. Wouldn’t it be wonderful to extend
this calling to seeking the wellbeing of the couple, of the family, of the
community and of society as a whole, beside our own wellbeing?
It is so encouraging to remember how many
attitudinal, thinking, and behavioral changes also have the potential to
bring about structural and functional changes in specific areas of our
brains. How consistent of the Scriptures, that this “renewed mind” can then
contribute to making us more effective in our family relationships, in
performing our jobs, and pursuing our academic goals, all for His sake.
WWW.ECC1021.COM –
ginetteo@1021.com
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