The Episcopal Counseling Center

The “Double-Stuff” Sandwich Generation:

   Members of the “baby boom” generation are in a unique position of ministering to parents and grandparents and to children and grandchildren!   Often they are referred to as the Sandwich Generation – maybe they should be referred to as the “Double Stuff” (as in Double Stuff Oreo Sandwich Cookies) Generation!  Few would argue with the notion that this generation has “double the work!”

   How “Double Stuff’s” handle this “sweet” role depends often on their role in their family and on their history with their parents and their history with their kids!  Interdependency is the key.  In this role of Double-Stuff, the person may need parents and grandparents to assist with caring for children or household as well as being needed by the parent to provide care in other areas!  In my own family of origin, my mother assists my sister in caring for my sister’s grandchildren, while my sister assists my mother in keeping track of finances, investments, taxes & computer issues.  This would not happen as easily if there had not been a history between the two of them of open and honest communication.  Eventually we are all dependent on children and other loved ones to provide care or facilitate care for ourselves when we can no longer do so.  As Double Stuff’s, we can model for our children how to treat older people and model finding support for ourselves.

   Sometimes recognizing interdependency gets clouded by changing relationships within a family such as a parent’s re-marriage after being widowed or divorced.  There may be conflict and stress surrounding such changes – anything that brings with it changes in legal status is bound to add stress!  Adult children and parents can work together to address these issues by talking with each other before a crisis occurs and learning from each other their values and investigate options before they are needed.  I am so grateful to my mother-in-law for investigating and learning about Disability Insurance before she needed it – and for making arrangements for family members to be added to her main checking account.  When someone needed to step in and pay her bills, the money to do so was in her own account already.  

   Family Roles also play a part in how “Double-Stuff’s” cope with whether their parents live a long distance away or close by as they age.  Is the “Double-Stuff considered the hero or heroine, or the unappreciated one?  In one family the “Double Stuff” person was the unappreciated daily caregiver and the heroine lived several thousand miles away.  In another family, the hero lives in the same house and the unappreciated one lives far away.  Double-Stuff caregivers often find unique ways to bring the generations together such as one asking her mother to send recipes and another arranging for the grandparent to send recordings of themselves reading books for the grandchildren.  One “Double-Stuff” serves as a “coach” for other family members who have more direct care-giving roles for their aging mother. 

   Healthy Double-Stuff caregivers also recognize and accept feelings of guilt.  They also experience mixed feelings, and accept human error and the fact that guilt feelings are normal and they learn to process those feelings by acknowledging the impact they have on their relationships.  It is healthy to share these feelings within the context of another supportive relationship.   Sometimes feelings of guilt help us acknowledge an issue that needs to be addressed with our loved one and in talking about it with another supportive person, we can figure out how to best cope with it.

   At some point, those in the “Double-Stuff” generation have to deal with grief and loss issues.  Grief can be anticipatory in nature – and separation by distance may make visiting aging family members difficult.  Separation may also occur because of a medical condition as in “Mom’s dementia means you can’t have a good conversation with her….” said one woman in a discussion group I participated in on the subject.   The “Double-Stuff” generation also deals with mortality on a regular basis.  They have to address their own issues with loss.  I’ve always defined “old” as meaning “older than my parents” and now I am older than they were when I started thinking this way!   One woman recognized that when she fussed at her mother for not taking better care of herself, she was expressing her own fear about her own aging and mortality. 

   Finally, Ira Byrock in his book, Dying Well, gives the “Double Stuff” generation an outline for addressing the issues of those who are dying.  The Five Wishes are for the dying person to have the opportunity to say to loved ones, “I forgive you; Forgive me; Thank you; I love you; and Goodbye.”  What a privilege to be part of a generation that can participate in this process with their grandparents and parents and model this role to children and grandchildren!

Dale D. Eshleman, M.S., LMFT

With assistance from:

Barbara Keene, Ginette Olsen & Sarah Phillips of the

Episcopal Counseling Center of Central Florida.